aside from the mama thing

And There Isn't Even A Full Moon

Blogging | February 8, 2010

Today I woke up feeling a little edgy. I slept more than I usually do thanks to little Opal having a good night. I had weird dreams. I seem to have a few cycles of sleep now. The first during which I sleep hard and towards the end of the cycle I wake up from a seriously messed up dream. I have to spend some time awake to proces it out or be relieved it was only a dream and then a second shift of sleep which isn't as deep as the first and the dreams are more of a cartoon scape. Last night was heavy weirdness all night long.

My family is not like most.Well maybe it is and I don't know it. By family I mean the extended because my immediate is very normal and seemingly well adjusted which blows me away. I have parents that have been married a number of times each. I have a complication of half siblings and lots of nieces and nephews. I have estranged aunts and long lost european relatives. I have one family member that is difficult and causes us pain and sadness . When this relation goes through a dark time we all suffer. I am amazed by the reach of this person and the magnitude of trauma this person inflicts. I make it my practice to stay very far away not just from the relative but any other relations this person is close with.

So toxic I won't dare put myself in a position of being direct about this person's gender or in what generation this person falls under. I risk much putting myself in the public eye with a blog, putting my writting on the web when it means so much to me. All of it potential ammo or a way to be manipulated. I made a promise to myself long ago to not live in fear of this person as they are not deserving of power over me but I am not a fool, I know not too provoke this person so here I am speaking sideways.

Do all families have this? It goes beyond the cliche of the black sheep. Today I came to have many conversations about this person, I received disturbing emails from this person through other family members. I feel wrung out. For the most part it is drama and a lot of talk and I usually am good at filtering it out but today it seemed futile. It doesn't look to me like this will come to anything but a bad end and I wonder at all of the people that will suffer on the path.

I have certain memories that have stuck with me, events that shaped me, people I am still attached to although they are long gone from my life. It is not how I identify myself. I walked away from the wreckage. I have honor around what I survived. I feel I was a warrior of sorts in my growing up. I can see how one could become entangled in the past to the point of being completely lost to it.

My glass of wine tasted extra good tonight, our home very cozy, the children kind and full of love. I was pleased to make them a meal and put away their belongings. I was happy to change a diaper. I am far from the way I was raised. I am fortunate to be aligned with my freewill. I was wishing though that we had picked the state of Alaska to make our life as I will never be far enough away. For now I won't answer the phone too much and I will check my email a little less. It will help to close these places a bit so I can catch my breath and be.


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About saidee brown

Been making some changes. The bits that will remain. I have three young children. One is not yet in school. Time is limited and sacred.
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Categories of Published Work

A Visitor

By SAIDEE BROWN
Published: January 28, 2010

A visitor can weave magic over the house.

In The Parking Lot Where We Decide About Life

By SAIDEE BROWN
Published: February 7, 2010

We make decisions to remain in our lives. I am the greatest escape artist in the world. If I wrote down all the routes I make in my mind it could be a handbook for the trapped and disenchanted.