Simple Ideas

Two Dead in O-HI-O

Business | February 21, 2012

When Mr. Young sung about Kent State,it was four dead. This is only two. And the scene is Ohio State. Slightly different story, you'll see.

So back in the 70's when I was an undergraduate there, there were a couple of deaths of Co-eds at the school. I happened to know both of them, and had in fact dated both of them. So as you would expect, I got a visit or two by the police after the two ended up dead.

Actually, the first one had only gone missing, which is the same as going dead, except the police can't locate a body. But for arguments sake, lets say this first lass met with foul play of some sort. It happens. So let me give you a little background on this first one,because this kind of thing that I'm writing about today has to have a first one. It is the foundation.

So the first one was a problem. She was a Sorority Chic Alpha Gamma something or other. Her Mom was the typical hot and vapid type who married for money. Sadly, the money she married was not in a physically appealing package. Generally, women in that situation find an upgraded sperm donor and keep the dream alive for there kids. This one kind of bungled it and had a rather unusual looking child. Unusual for a sorority type anywho.

This was a lassie that I can best describe as the personification of Mrs. PotatoHead. She had anentire presence that looked like it was made of parts that belong to other people. She was neither pretty nor ugly. Neither tall not short. Neither fat not thin.

This presented the expected problems for guys. Nobody could figure out how to fuck her. Most every woman a guy looks at, he can in a few seconds figure out exactly how to best boink the women in question. Whether it is on her back with her hands pinned behind her head, on a park bench while senior citizens are playing Bocce in the background or simply in the back seat of your 4 door with all 4 doors open. Guys know this.

Except for this one. No one could figure it out. It wasn't a bag job, or a two bag job. Her face wasn't that unpleasant, not her body that pleasant that a paper bag or two would help. She was just kind of there in the realm of averageness to the nth degree. Love? Lust? Hate? Revulsion? Nope nothing. Just really blank in a way that no other women has ever been blank. I mean she was Blondie, so maybe you would think someone who liked blonde's might want to plant a flag there. But none of the Blondie chasers gave her a second look.

I forget what her actual name was, you could look it up in the Papers, it was fall of my Freshmean year that she went missing. So that was, what '76? Yeah that was it it. I'll call her Chevy as that is the closest analogy that I can come up with. People that like cars, don't like Chevy's. People that like Chevy's probably don't even like Chevy's. They just buy them because they don't know any better. And that looked like the future for this one.

She would have ended up as one of those lonely, horny housewives who sat in her living room sipping some sickly sweey White Zinfandel in the 80's. Dreaming of some tanned Hollywood hero to pass though the midwest and turn her dull life into a fairy tale. The kinds her sorority Mom toldher she would have as a child.

Somebody had to save her from that fate. Perhaps they did. Or perhaps she did just run off on her own. Move to Australia and marry sheep herder. It could have gone that way. But from what I heard after one drunked evening in my dorm, t she is most likely not in Australia.

A lot of people, get kind of nuts when they have a corpse. At last that is the Hollywood motif. Its a big deal. Hard to dispose of. Evade the cops. Really? LIke the cops are that concerned? They have bigger fish to fry my friends. They are regular citizens like everyone else. So I've heard.

They have no idea where to look for bodies. I mean if you are stupid enough to leave a body out where it can be found, well, someone will find it. And they then the call the cops. And now the cops have a problem. They have to get a bunch of other government employees interested in doing a bunch of work that will likely get overturned by some smart alec criminal attorney anyway. They get paid the same whether they collar a crook or simply do crowd control at an OSU football game. Which is more fun? Clearly the football game. So you know, it's not that they are stupid or don't care, it more that they can fight an uphill battle that they will probably lose...or nip a few sips out of a flask to stay warm on a brisk fall day.

So back to the body. Right. Why do people stress over that so much? e have dead bodies all over the country. Cemeteries are full of them. Based on what I heard, this particular is in a large cemetery northwest of Columbus. I mean most grave diggers are either drunks or college students looking to make a few extra beer dollars by working a low paying job that doesn't require a snazzy wardrobe. Simple enough to dig one grave an extra few couple feet, toss in a recently deceased. Then have a regular coffin and burial ceremony come in over top. There really aren't accountants out there doing a census of cemeteries, is what I'm saying. And late fall you can still dig a fair grave by hand, but the weather is cool enough that you aren't going to have any issues that would stress out the regular funereal process.

So all is well that ends well, right?

Of course not. Next comes the one chick from the Alpha Gamma whatever that starts sniffing around the disappearance. She is not plain. Actually quite good looking in fact, Borderline stunning. Thin brunette with clear eyes, a clear head and oh, yeah, a pre-law major. For some reason she saw this disappearance as an opportunity to kick start her law career. Maybe do a little moonlighting, break a big case that stumped the police and then get into the law school of choice, get a good job in the DA's office, parley that into an elected position and well, you know how lawyers think. The should be driving A Mercedes and running an estate by the time they are 30, in congress by 40 and running for President shortly thereafter.

So she starts asking around, asking questions. Who did Chevy date? Who last saw her? etc. etc, etc. Apparently she asked the wrong person. It was clear to the wrong person that this particular pre-law student also had to go. Now in the case of Chevy, it was much like burning a withc back in the day. It really was for her own good. There was no good future ahead of her. In her case, being cut free was a gift.

In the Lawyer to be case, this was not in her best interest. You see, lawyers always look out for their own best interest, so it is impossible to do anything in their best interest. In this case our problem solving was looking at his own best interest and maybe society as a whole (any reduction in lawyers being a net gain for society.)

IN this case, the lawyer couldn't simply disappear. She had to be found. Not so much to send a message, though it would, but it was also there to break the trail. Two missing, one on the case of the other missing person is a trend. One missing, one dead and found...well that is a whole nother situation.

Even an "apparent suicide" wouldn't cut it. Had to be an actual accident. Which meant there would be a real victim. In this case, the guy who was driving the big rig on the interstate. It was quick and painless.

You look back on this and you see the root cause. It was that sorority Mom who didn't have the good sense to find a good looking lover. Then you follow the chain of events an unsuspecting truck driver is tortured by dreams of running over a co-ed. If people just did the right thing in the first place...well there is the problem.

And that is exactly what I'm writing about today.

How to rob a bank in the 21st century.

Step 1, own one. That is the only hard part. After that it is easy.

Step 2. Find a developer that doesn't have a clue. A Mr.Potato-Head kind of a guy.

Step 3. Loan him $50 Million for his project.

Step 4. In two years, the project is done, but it is not generating income. The project is now worth $10M. Gulp.

Step 5. If you wriet off the loan, you are out of business. You don't want that because, hey this bank is your gold mine. Hrmm you think.

Step 6. Another guy comes in, this guy wants a $2M loan to build a gas station. Ah you are saved!

Step 7. You loan him $75 Million. He pockets $3m and he pays $72 to but the $50M project that is really only worth $10M.

Now the bank shows a profit, the new "investor" has cleared $3M and the knucklehead who started this is off the hook for his bad idea. Granted the guy with the $3M has to refi his project two or three times. And the bank is playing this scam out 10 or 20 fold, so they are certainly going to collapse in time. But for the short term,everyone is living high on the hog.

Eventually, the auditors will come in and find the problem. The trick is to get yourself and the money out of the country before the auditors have the scent. Then it is just one more crisis for the Feds to clean out.

So from 50,000 feet, I thin you can see that both of these situations looks very much the same. One mistake is made, a compound mistake to cover it and then there are some real victims when its all over.

But the problem is that in American we really do think serial killers are the bad guys and they need to be locked up. And the bank robbers? Well, at times they qualify as folk heroes...

But maybe not so much in this century.


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