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My Review of Blossom...Err...I mean, New Moon

Movie Reviews | December 11, 2009

It was the funniest movie I have seen in a long time. I laughed until I cried. I have been told by Ashley that it's not a comedy. However, it brings new definition to the term "campy". Referencing wikipedia here for those who might like a succinct definition...

"Camp" is an aesthetic sensibility wherein something is appealing because of its bad taste and ironic value. The concept is closely related to kitsch, and campy things are described as being "campy" or "cheesy". When the usage appeared, in 1909, it denoted: ostentatious, exaggerated, affected, theatrical, and effeminate behaviour, and, by the middle of the 1970s, the definition comprised: banality, artifice, mediocrity, and ostentation so extreme as to have perversely sophisticated appeal...

But yes...it was perversely appealing. And I would watch it again. And perhaps again.

And here are my thoughts...Along with a complete photo album.

Okay, so for starters, if ever I refer to Jacob as "hot", "lovely", "mine", or"my lovely hottie", I am clearly referring to the one in the book...The one who is, like, 6 feet, 7 inches of manly werewolf-ness, who is impervious to biting, has what I am sure can be lovingly called an expansive chest, and so clearly a man...Okay pausing to breath...Oh, Mr. Black.

I am not referring to the one in the movie, because although Taylor Lautner has the body of 25 year old and and a smile that could convince me to rob a bank, he is clearly a boy. On a side note, I was looking for Twilight photos to add to my review, and one popped up of little TayTay - topless, ripped - yeah, you know the one - and I had to close my browser because I was worried about getting arrested for child pornography. He's only 17 ladies. And not a fake 17 like Jesse Metcalfe in Desperate Housewives, but really, truly, only 17. Not old enough to join the army, not old enough to go to a topless bar. Heck, you would get a hefty fine if you bought this boy a martini! And...he used to be Shark Boy. I wonder if Kristen Stewart (yeah, she's going on 20...) felt dirty putting her face that close to his. And I wonder if Taylor's mom had to sign a waiver for him to take his top off. Is he even done high school?

Alright. My favourite parts of the movie.

Anything that has Edward in slow motion. And the fact that he has own personal wind. I wish that I could harness that. Every time I walk into a room, my own personal wind would blow my hair back gently, ruffle my skirt, revealing a little ankle, maybe put goose bumps onto the arms of those standing near to me. Sigh for Edward in slow motion.

The second Edward/Bella kiss. If you're not sure which one is the second, it's the own where Edward clearly...umm...well the NOISE he makes is indicative of what happens to him. Don't worry Mr. Pattinson...I'm sure that Abercrombie and Fitch will provide you with new undies.

Finding out that Bella has no boobs. She has clearly stuffed a training bra. Thanks Kristen, for taking one for the A-Cup team.

Robert Pattinson's awkwardly hairy chest. Listen folks, I don't have a problem with hairy men. I married an Italian. But I am certain that I could read the future in Edward's fur. (PS, how is it that the vampire got all the chest hair, and the werewolf just got a six-pack...or three six packs? Wait, wait...Because Robert is a grown up and Taylor isn't. Riiiiiiight.) I will tell you later what RP's curly chest locks tell me that the that future holds.

My favourite lines in the movie - more because of how they were said than the words themselves.

Bella to Jacob, "You're sort of beautiful." Like she was totally stunned. Duh. Or maybe she said "kind of"...I admit, it was hard to focus because that was three seconds after Jacob took his top off.

Jacob about Mike, "What a marshmallow. You should hold out for someone with a stronger stomach. Someone who laughs at the gore that makes weaker men vomit." It's hard to take anyone seriously while they're calling someone a marshmallow.

Bella to Jacob, "Holy biceps." (Or was is "Hello, Biceps"? Either one deserves a giggle...) And also, "You're buff!" What we're all thinking, but would never say. Awkward.

Emmett, "Hells, yeah." Kellan Lutz single-handedly turns Emmett into Stiffler.

Edward, "Marry me." And then the man in the row in front of me, incredulous, "WHAT?!"

My predictions:

Taylor Lautner's relationship with Taylor Swift fails. He turns 18 and goes after an older woman. Like Meryl Streep.

Kristen Stewart gets implants. And denies it. This encourages other small-chested teens to turn to vampires for improving their physiques. There is a sudden decline in bulimia as more and more people join the "Vampire Work Out" revolution.

Robert Pattinson buys shares in Botox. Let's face it folks. That pretty man is 23 years old. Trying to pass for 17 at that age is questionable at best.

Rosalie meets an untimely demise. No one can say for sure, but rumours abound that a woman in a green apron had something to do with it. Emmett starts spending copious amounts of time at Starbucks.

The picture that made me worry about getting arrested.

Yes. He's a grown up. He is turning 31 this year.

Bahahahaha. TayTay. He had lots of teeth then, too.

TayTay is NOT old enough to drink one of these. Alas.

TayTay can buy one of these off of ebay, but cannot earn one by being all that he can be.

TayTay could not buy these. Or wear them. But why would he want a candy banana hammock?

TayTay and his mom - probably post-waiver.

My brother. TayTay.

Edward. With his personal wind.

Hairy chest.

Hairy chest.

Yup. For those who want a hairy chest.

Gratuitously cute picture of RP.

New undies for Eddie. Not to be confused with Jacob's edible undies.


Marshmallow Mike.



Taylor and Taylor.

Meryl Streep.

I don't have the words. But these are implants.

Robert's botox options.


I know nothing about it.

Big sigh.

Yes. It's Blossom


Travel | December 11, 2009



Day one:

- best flight, best hotel (balcony! kitchenette! spa tub!)

- arrive @ hotel and discover missing pink phone, digital camera, iPod, Tupperware of loose change, manicure set...cry a little

- curse the baggage handlers and all of their ilk

- eat @ rainforest cafe - become frightened of terrible rainstorms and develop a paranoia that we are being followed by a rabid elephant

- play slots, drink drinks

- run into Noel Gallagher from oasis at the elevator...freak out a little

- notice that there's an awful awful lot of English men in the MGM...consider whether or not our flight accidentally landed outside of Manchester

- eventually realize that our hotel is home to a boxing match involving some british dude

- become thankful when the hometown Manchester boy wins - didn't need to witness any angry AND drunk Englishmen

- sleep sleep sleep sleep sleep

- NOT woken up by kids, by crying, by fighting (hooray!)

Day Two:

- spend 2 hours walking to the LVPD substation...CLOSED! (cause there's no crime on the strip on Sundays...)

- eat delicious and cheap shrimp @ Panda Express

- yell at the West Jest service people

- drink

- drink

- drink

- admire lions

- drink

- drink

- have bath in the world's biggest, bubbliest, bathtub eva' eva' (stop picturing us naked!)

- try on "one size fits most" robe - apparently top half is most...not so much the bottom

- sing a few lines of "Baby Got Back"

- experience Zumanity (go cirque go)

- receive rose (via husband) from man in easy-tear booty shorts

- drink

- consider buying a large fishbowl for home swimming

- recognize that MAYBE the drinks have gone to our heads

- stumble, stumble, sleep

Day Three:

- more bubbly bath

- a day older and wiser, ride the BUS to the LVPD to file police report

- admire the double-decker view

- head to the north end of the strip

- play midway games, use slot machines that ACTUALLY spit out winnings in quarters, admire teddy bear won by husband

- even more bubbly bath (seriously, the biggest bath ever...)

- tend to the terrible blisters on my feet, swear off of heeled sandals, enjoy overpriced band-aids

- more giant beverages from Fat Tuesday...


- eat too much food at cheap buffet...yum yum

- watch Karl interview people on the world's biggest live TV...enjoy his mocking style...

- light show...who knew that Freddy Mercury was just as freakishly ugly when he the size of a house?

- sleep intermittently interrupted by nightmares of sparkly white pants, enormous teeth, and moustaches

Day Four

- another bath...never let a spa experience go to waste!

- pilfer toiletries in hopes of selling them on eBay to buy new electronics

- sigh

- plane ride home

About Melinda Di Lorenzo

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