Six in the Stix

By GREG MAFFETT
Published: October 30, 2010

(joined in progress) DJ DAVE: HELLO Caller, welcome to Six! What can I do for you today?

Caller: Well, it’s about the power outage last night_

DJ: Oh no, you didn’t! Weren’t you listening to the ten commandments for six in the sticks?

Caller: I just moved here, got me a new gal and well, I just didn’t know.

DJ: Ok, well welcome to the middle of nowhere. You now know the rule?

Caller: Oh yes, pull out the fuse from the fuse box before having six!

DJ: Exactly! No one around these parts ever risks having six with the lights on, well, not twice anyway. So tell me, how bad was it? No don’t_

Caller: I never, ever saw anything that frightening in my entire life!

DJ: Tell me about it, or better yet don’t. Look are you uh, broke below the belt?

Caller: That’s why I’m calling, a coworker says you have “the cure”.

DJ: Well in fact I do, that is what keeps me on the air, that and my clever vowel substitutions.

Caller: Genius! So the cure then…

DJ: Oh I can’t tell you that on the air, lemme cue this up… (DJ plays Procul Harum’s A Lighter Shade of Pale)

DJ: Ok, I think we have the color back in that boy, or we will if he follows The Cure. Guys please, take our ten rules for survival in the sticks and tape them to your rearview mirror or the inside of your eyeglasses. Someplace where they get ingrained into your brain, especially if you are from out of the area. Things are different here. Ain’t many outsiders can adapt to the heifers we have hereabouts, so take heed is all I’m saying. Ok, next caller!

Caller: So hi Dave! Heard about that poor boy from away that got scared half out his mind. Sad thing.

DJ: Indeed. So what is it that made you dial my number?

Caller: Well, you see, I met this gal and I have to say that she is quite the looker, at least for hereabouts, but, she’s not the brightest-

DJ: No, no, no. You didn’t have six with a retard did you?

Caller: Well I tried but then things kinda went um, er…

DJ: A word that rhymes with Dumb, perhaps? Numb?

Caller: Ah well… DJ: That is why it is one of the ten rules! Look there is sound anthropological reasoning behind this. You know the reason to have six with wimmenfolk?

Caller: Cuz it feels good?

DJ: No, that is just a side effect, the reason is jumiliation!

Caller: Oh we don’t have any Jews around these parts, Dave.

DJ: No, not real Jews. Jumiliation! It’s a mix of subjugation and humiliation. It’s the onliest thing that keeps society working. If you ain’t jumilaitin’ a woman, well nothing works.

Caller: Uh, I get that now, so uh, how do I fix that?

DJ: Well for now you might as well get a warm watermelon and slice a hole in it for all you are getting from that retard.

Caller: What size hole?

DJ: Really? You just asked that? Look here it is, just find another woman. Any woman. Doesn’t matter, they are all pretty much the same hereabouts. Take her out back in the bairn, strip her down to her birthday gear and insist that she start squealing like a pig.

Caller: That’s a lot to remember. Squeal you say?

DJ: Oh yes, cuz next thing you are going to do is shove her head in the mud. Then you start having six with her and-

Caller: What if she cain’t breathe?

DJ: Well that is what the squealing is about, if she cain’t breathe she’ll stop squealing?

Caller: So then I let her up for air?

DJ: No, she be dead then. Which is pretty much like a retard. So you are going to want to go find another woman about that time of day.

Caller: Now won’t that get me in trouble with the law?

DJ: Oh, right, I left out a step. You have get her all drunked up on corn liquor. That will cover you.

Caller: How’s that? DJ: How many times a week do you hear about a woman getting drunked up, taking her clothes off and falling face down in the mud and suffocating?

Caller: Bout oncest a week it seems . Oh! You really are the smarty guy! Ok thanks Dave!

DJ: It’s why I was brought into this world. Have a listen to this. (DJ cues up The Cure’s Pornography)

DJ: Yes, you must fight this sickness. And it turns out I am the cure. So who is next?

Caller: Hi Dave, I’m calling about my girlfriend.

DJ: Don’t you all. Yes, go on…

Caller: Well lately she hasn’t been…

DJ Sixing you? Oh my. What is her name?

Caller: Peggy Sue Salton. DJ: Ok, lemme look her up on the poke meter, here….hrmmm. Ok, found her.

Caller: Poke-meter? DJ: Yes, it tells me how often she is getting poked a week. She is averaging 10.2 pokes a week.

Caller: But she says- DJ: Ignore it. She is. The meter never lies.

Caller: But who, when?

DJ: Doesn’t matter, does it? Women do whatever they want whenever they want. Look friend, this is not bad news, its news you can use. All you have to do is figure out a way to be part of that 10.2!

Caller: But the others? DJ: Told you, don’t worry. You can’t really handcuff her to a bed.

Caller: Oh, I do have cuffs…

DJ: But you go to work.

Caller: Ok, you got me there Dave. So what should I do?

DJ: You keep critters out back, right?

Caller: Sure do. Ok, I’ll send you the tape from the last caller, its bad radio to say the same thing twice. (DJ cues up something from Duran Duran)

DJ: I never understood those guys, but have to think I wasn’t meant to. Ok, let’s see who screwed up next!

Caller: Hey, no screw up Dave, just calling for edification.

DJ: Really? I don’t normally edify…

Caller: Well here it is D, a friend says he has a woman who has, oh hrmm, I need to change a vowel here, she has Ess for Days. Now just what does that mean?

DJ: It means your friend is either full of it or he lives somewheres else. No one here has Ess for Days. Best you get here is Ess for seconds, maybe minutes.

Caller: Ok, but what is it?

DJ: Oh it’s an internationally accepted standard of the quality of an Ess. Caller: Now how do they figure that?

DJ. Simple really, they have a woman with a nice round ess sit on a hard flat bench and then they check every so often to see if she has any flat spots. The longer it takes, the longer her rating. Ess for Days is unheard of here in donut and scrapple country.

Caller: So where? DJ: Oh, yeah, here it is. You know the rule that 95% of the human race looks better with clothes on?

Caller: Everone here knows that that. DJ: Well the 5% that look better without clothes all live in a place called Callee Forn Ya.

Caller: Well I’ll be, so that boy is saying he got himself a Callee gal, no doubt.

DJ: Well, I have heard there is even one lady in CA that has Ess for Weeks.

Caller: Gasp! But wait a sec_

DJ: Ah good man! You have been listening! You are right! Only a retard would sit on a bench for a week and we don’t do retards here on Six In the Sticks! (DJ cues up an oldie from Styx)

DJ: Styx? Were they metal? Heavy metal? Is there light metal? Ok, I’m off topic, let’s get one more crack — actually that reminds me, crack. No not that crack. The drug. Really there are only three things to do here in the sticks. Hard drugs, Six or a gun to the head. We like to think we have the only sustainable option here at Six in the Sticks. Ok, there is one last light and I gotta turn over the mike to my well endowed brother Leroy for Nine in the Mine.

Caller: Hi I’m calling about DSL.

DJ: What to fi? This isn’t a help desk, friend. Well it is, actually, but it’s not tech support. Well it is, but-

Caller: No not that DSL, a guy says my gal has DSL, um, lemme see, Duck Sucking Lips.

DJ: Oh that, no big deal.

Caller: But do you think she- DJ: Doesn’t matter, the guy is just saying she put on her lipstick without a mirror and got it all over the place, it’s no big deal.

Caller: But why?

DJ: Oh, why lipstick? It’s supposed to make a guy think of six.

Caller: Really? All those women? DJ: True, the idea is to set the color the same as the color of their faces when they are having six as a way to let you know they are…

Caller: Well I never knew!

DJ: Oxen have been stunned by what you don’t know, I suspect.

Caller: I’m no suspect!

DJ: No this is an open and shut case as I see it.

Caller: What case?

DJ: Oh look at the clock, right on the hour! Time for me to turn over the reins, hey thanks, callers, great to have you here. Let’s see if we can aim a little lower tomorrow. (Dj cues up Pink Toenails by the Dixie Chicks)