Dear Korea - why so chilly?

South Korea | January 18, 2010

Hey K!

How have you been? It has been ages since I last wrote. Yes, I know. Ages. Sorry.

But when one is running around trying to find things to burn just to stay warm it is a little difficult to find time to write to your country.

You've turned very cold towards me Korea and it confuses me.

I mean we were getting along great and then BAM! Minus 20. BAM! Worst winter since records began. BAM! Frizzy hair and scaly skin.

But I have discovered that happiness is one of those little pocket warmer things and a heated subway seat. Genius Korea, total genius.

And as for the scaly skin that I am sure that giant snake in Harry Potter would thumb its nose at, well you have me a solution for that as well.

The amazing adjuma.

I admit that when I first walked into a Korean bathhouse I was a little scared by the overweight women dressed in their finest grandma undies and flopper stoppers but after my first scrub down, I was hooked.

So about once a month, I let a strange woman scrub dead skin off my body for the bargain price of 9000 won.

It's a sort of ritual. I walk in, they laugh at my lack of hair, I try and dodge the flying skin hurtling off the other women lying on the pink plastic tables, they take my money and slap a table, I lie down, they talk about me like I am not there, I tell them I am not Russian, I am Australian, they say "ahhhh Gang-ga-roo" and put their hands in front of them like little roo arms, I smile, they smile and then they take their magic brillo pads to every part of me.

Yes Korea. Every part. I am not sure when you started this little shindig of an idea, but I have to say, it is very effective.

Anyways, usually I am pushed off the table about a half an hour later, slightly dazed by the whole experience and sent on my way.

It's a routine and I like routines.

But then came Amazing Adjuma.

I hadn't seen her there before. I think Korea, you sent her as a little gift because it had been so cold and you knew I needed a scrub down like never before.

I wandered into the scrubbing area and saw my usual woman stand up to greet me.

Then AA stepped in and my usual woman took a step back.

The woman was huge Korea. Sumo Wrestler huge. Huge like an unholy alliance between P Diddy and Simon Cowell's egos huge. Ginormous.

The only part of her which didn't jiggle was her giant Terminator like arms which I am sure had been surgically attached to her body in a laboratory.

And she wanted me on her table.

I think. It was hard to hear her over her hugeness. That and she shot out Korean like a verbal assault weapon.

Eventually you sent a bilingual naked Korean woman to help me.

BNKW - She wants you to sit in the hot pool for 30 minutes.

Me - Oh, I have done that.

BNKW - translates

AA - Pow, pow, pow, pow, bang, bang, pow, wham

BNKW - She wants you to wash off your body paint. Points to tattoos.

Me - Oh, they are not coming off.

BNKW - translates.

AA - Explosions, crashes, cars driving through water barrels, mushroom clouds.

BNKW - I am not going to translate that.

AA slapped the table. I jumped on. She grabbed me by my foot and spun me to the other end of the table.

AA - RUSSAN?

Me - No. Australian.

AA - HARRUMPH

Then she preceded to give me the scrub down of my life. The other adjumas stood clear.

AA was so huge that when she pulled my foot against her for leverage, part of my tootsie actually disappeared inside her stomach folds.

She pulled me around the table by my big toe. My big toe, Korea.

Women in the bathhouse couldn't help but look as the poor white girl was owned by the Amazing Adjuma.

They watched her with a mixture of fear and respect.

She flipped me over and attacked my back. She pulled me off the table by my poor big toe and demanded I shower.

I did. She slapped the shower when some spray hit a woman on another table. I was scared and stopped showering. She then took the shower hose, turned it up and blast me before ordering me back on the table.

She then covered me with a bottle of baby oil and gave me a slap down. I am sure you would call it a massage Korea, but it was a slap down.

Then she spun me around by my big toe so my head was at the other end of the table and washed my hair. AA was annoyed she could not remove my hair from my head and throw it in the washing machine, so she washed it like your mum would when she was angry at your little self.

As she tried to scalp me, I couldn't help but laugh. More Koreans came to watch the crazy westerner laugh in the face of the AA.

For her part AA started laughing too. But in that evil way a Bond villain has. And then she dumped a bucket of water over my head.

Grabbing my big toe again, she pulled me from the table and threw another bucket of water at me.

She then demanded 30,000 won. I paid it. I'll admit I was a little scared Korea. I may have had a foot over her and at least 40 years, but she, well she was Amazing Adjuma.

A glance at the clock told me I had been on her table for more than an hour. It felt like an eternity.

My skin stung from where she had scrubbed off any semblance of heat rash, or any piece of skin which dared form a bump.

AA told me to get out of the spa without getting into any more pools.

She then followed me out and handed me a cotton tip to clean my ears.

And stood there so she could watch that I followed her directions.

Satisfied, AA slapped my back and walked back into the spa.

I don't know if I will ever see her again, Korea.

I don't know if I want to.

My therapist said the nightmares are normal and will fade in time.

I do know that once my skin had healed and the swelling in my big toe had gone down my skin felt incredible.

Like silk.

So thank you AA. I hope it is enough to know that you have touched me in a way I have never before been touched.

And thank you Korea for sending her. But I am not sure if I can handle anymore gifts like that for quite a while.

Stay warm K,

Love me

xxooxx